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Thanksgiving
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auntmartymoo



Joined: 22 Nov 2010
Posts: 1300

PostPosted: Fri Nov 18, 2011 3:06 pm    Post subject: Thanksgiving  Reply with quote

Someone emailed me this funny thing last year.  Makes me thankful that Marney is not in my family!  Being a control-freak is a splendid way to ruin a holiday.  I don't know who to credit for this...its become viral via email forwards.  

From: Marney

As you all know a fabulous Thanksgiving Dinner does not make itself. I need to ask each of you to help by bringing something to complete the meal. I truly appreciate your offers to assist with the meal preparation.

Now, while I do have quite a sense of humor and joke around all the time, I COULD NOT BE MORE SERIOUS when I am providing you with your Thanksgiving instructions and orders. I am very particular, so please perform your task EXACTLY as I have requested and read your portion very carefully. If I ask you to bring your offering in a container that has a lid, bring your offering in a container WITH A LID, NOT ALUMINUM FOIL! If I ask you to bring a serving spoon for your dish, BRING A SERVING SPOON, NOT A SOUP SPOON! And please do not forget anything.

All food that is to be cooked should already be prepared, bring it hot and ready to serve, warm or room temp. These are your ONLY THREE options. Anything meant to be served cold should, of course, already be cold.

The Mike Byron Family

1. Turnips in a casserole with a lid and a serving spoon. Please do not fill the casserole all the way up to the top, it gets too messy. I know this may come as a bit of a surprise to you, but most of us hate turnips so don’t feel like you a have to feed an army.
2. Two half gallons of ice cream, one must be VANILLA, I don’t care what the other one is. No store brands please. I did see an ad this morning for Hagan Daz Peppermint Bark Ice Cream, yum!! (no pressure here, though).
3. Toppings for the ice cream.
4. A case of bottled water, NOT gallons, any brand is ok.

The Bob Byron Family

1. Green beans or asparagus (not both) in a casserole with a lid and a serving spoon. If you are making the green beans, please prepare FOUR pounds, if you are making asparagus please prepare FIVE pounds. It is up to you how you wish to prepare them, no soupy sauces, no cheese (you know how Mike is), a light sprinkling of toasted nuts, or pancetta, or some EVOO would be a nice way to jazz them up.
2. A case of beer of your choice (I have Coors Light and Corona) or a bottle of clos du bois chardonnay (you will have to let me know which you will bring prior to 11/22).

The Lisa Byron Chesterford Family

1. Lisa as a married woman you are now required to contribute at the adult level. You can bring an hors d’ouvres. A few helpful hints/suggestions. Keep it very light, and non-filling, NO COCKTAIL SAUCE, no beans of any kind. I think your best bet would be a platter of fresh veggies and dip. Not a huge platter mind you (i.e., not the plastic platter from the supermarket).

The Michelle Bobble Family

1. Stuffing in a casserole with a serving spoon. Please make the stuffing sans meat.
2. 2.5-3 qts. of mashed squash in a casserole with a lid and serving spoon
3. Proscuitto pin wheel – please stick to the recipe, no need to bring a plate.
4. A pie knife

The June Davis Family

1. 15 LBS of mashed potatoes in a casserole with a serving spoon. Please do not use the over-size blue serving dish you used last year. Because you are making such a large batch you can do one of two things: put half the mash in a regulation size casserole with lid and put the other half in a plastic container and we can just replenish with that or use two regulation size casserole dishes with lids. Only one serving spoon is needed.
2. A bottle of clos du bois chardonnay

The Amy Misto Family (why do I even bother she will never read this)

1. A pumpkin pie in a pie dish (please use my silver palate recipe) no knife needed.
2. An apple pie in a pie dish, you can use your own recipe, no knife needed.

Looking forward to the 28th!!

Marney
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wall street is just a symptom of the disease...washington dc is the petri dish that incubated this pandemic  ~ scrutney
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bieramar



Joined: 19 Nov 2010
Posts: 4441
Location: Taylor Ranch, NM

PostPosted: Fri Nov 18, 2011 3:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

And another classic I first received via snail mail before Al Gore invented the internet:

---
Turkey Popcorn Stuffing**

4 eggs
4 c bread cubes
2 c chopped celery
1/2 package of onion soup mix
1 c uncooked popcorn
seasonings of your choice

Beat the eggs well and add all of the other ingredients. 

Stuff it into the cavity of the turkey and place the turkey into a roasting pan. 

Bake at 375 for 3 hours. 
















When 3 hours are up, get the hell out of the kitchen because that stuffing is going to blow the turkey's ass right out of the oven.

** Don't try this at home!!

---
Unfortunately one of my Florida panhandle cousins missed the ** and I got this letter after Thanksgiving:

I am deeply offended by your tasteless recipe!

I tried it, and the turkey blew up early.

Counting on 3 hours I had the entire family in the kitchen gutting the deer I had hit with my bubba truck earlier in the morning.
After only 2 hours, bird shrapnel destroyed my kitchen, killed my cocker spaniel "Lucky" and crippled my cat.

My wife is in therapy and my children have become the laughing stock at St. Lukes Episcopal Reformatory School For Shameful Hooligans And White Trash.

You'll be hearing from my lawyer.

=========================

And on a more or less serious note, the Spanish language TV Channel Univision is airing a piece featuring St. Augustine - the FIRST Thanksgiving.

(Thank you, Monsignor Gannon).
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auntmartymoo



Joined: 22 Nov 2010
Posts: 1300

PostPosted: Fri Nov 18, 2011 4:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's hilarious!  (And your cousin's response is hilarious, too.)

"St. Lukes Episcopal Reformatory School For Shameful Hooligans And White Trash"

I think I know some St. Luke's alumnae.
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wall street is just a symptom of the disease...washington dc is the petri dish that incubated this pandemic  ~ scrutney
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puc reducks



Joined: 21 Nov 2010
Posts: 1250

PostPosted: Fri Nov 18, 2011 9:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Loved both!

My sister Ava would put Marney to shame--Marney has omitted so many significant details. (Trust me.)  No one dares to bring anything unsolicited or unapproved into Ava's kitchen.  In fact, admittance into her kitchen... touchy subject!

Still laughing!  Thanks, AMM and B!
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auntmartymoo



Joined: 22 Nov 2010
Posts: 1300

PostPosted: Fri Nov 18, 2011 11:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Puc wrote:
Marney has omitted so many significant details. (Trust me.)


haha  I know...and Marney is clearly setting poor Lisa up for total failure...

Quote:
Lisa as a married woman you are now required to contribute at the adult level. You can bring an hors d’ouvres. A few helpful hints/suggestions. Keep it very light, and non-filling, NO COCKTAIL SAUCE, no beans of any kind. I think your best bet would be a platter of fresh veggies and dip. Not a huge platter mind you (i.e., not the plastic platter from the supermarket).


What if Lisa gets the wrong kind of veggies?  Or prepares and slices them incorrectly?  Or chooses the wrong flavor of dip?  Or mixes it with the wrong kind of spoon?  Or prepares the wrong amount of dip?   And then compounds the disaster by putting the dip in the wrong sized container?  And fills it up too close to the top?  What if it's the wrong color, too? And it doesn't have a lid, just foil?

Lisa is totally going to blow it.  Maybe you could have Ava call her and help her out!
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wall street is just a symptom of the disease...washington dc is the petri dish that incubated this pandemic  ~ scrutney
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puc reducks



Joined: 21 Nov 2010
Posts: 1250

PostPosted: Sat Nov 19, 2011 12:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

auntmartymoo wrote:
Puc wrote:
Marney has omitted so many significant details. (Trust me.)


haha  I know...and Marney is clearly setting poor Lisa up for total failure...

Quote:
Lisa as a married woman you are now required to contribute at the adult level. You can bring an hors d’ouvres. A few helpful hints/suggestions. Keep it very light, and non-filling, NO COCKTAIL SAUCE, no beans of any kind. I think your best bet would be a platter of fresh veggies and dip. Not a huge platter mind you (i.e., not the plastic platter from the supermarket).


What if Lisa gets the wrong kind of veggies?  Or prepares and slices them incorrectly?  Or chooses the wrong flavor of dip?  Or mixes it with the wrong kind of spoon?  Or prepares the wrong amount of dip?   And then compounds the disaster by putting the dip in the wrong sized container?  And fills it up too close to the top?  What if it's the wrong color, too? And it doesn't have a lid, just foil?

Lisa is totally going to blow it.  Maybe you could have Ava call her and help her out!


OMG!!!  Almost peeing my pants!!!  Shocked

Ava would adore that "mission"!  Train 'em young, she'd say!

Always reminds me of Phil Hartman's "The Anal Retentive Chef" on SNL.  THAT was our father.  He'd actually insist that anyone working in his kitchen cut the onions and green peppers the EXACT SAME SIZE.  Ava,
of course, is carrying on his tradition... Love her dearly, but cannot cook/bake/be in kitchen with her!  LMAO!

Guess where we are headed for Thanksgiving?   Laughing

~~~
Yes, poor Lisa, above, is headed most likely for the state mental institution.  Marney will push her over the edge once she takes out the color wheel and judges the vividness of the veggies... let alone the micrometer and the overly filled casserole dish.

(Came back to get your Marney post to send to Ava, BTW!  Won't I be popular?   Laughing )
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puc reducks



Joined: 21 Nov 2010
Posts: 1250

PostPosted: Mon Nov 21, 2011 12:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

p.s
After having read Marney's directives, Ava wrote me:

"WTF??!  I'd just do it myself."

That's the baby sister for ya!  Laughing
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scrutney
Site Admin


Joined: 18 Nov 2010
Posts: 1535

PostPosted: Mon Nov 21, 2011 12:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

private email from the mike bryon family to the bob bryon family, the lisa bryon chesterford family, the michelle bobble family, the june davis family and the amy misto family:

tell marny to go stuff a turkey.
pizza, beer and football at our house on thursday.
we can all be thankful that we didn't have to spend the day with marny, barney, arney, cuthbert, ishmael and the long suffering casper.

toodles.

mike.

p.s....no anchovies.

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auntmartymoo



Joined: 22 Nov 2010
Posts: 1300

PostPosted: Mon Nov 21, 2011 5:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
no cheese (you know how Mike is)

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wall street is just a symptom of the disease...washington dc is the petri dish that incubated this pandemic  ~ scrutney
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auntmartymoo



Joined: 22 Nov 2010
Posts: 1300

PostPosted: Mon Nov 21, 2011 5:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Puc wrote:
Yes, poor Lisa, above, is headed most likely for the state mental institution.  Marney will push her over the edge once she takes out the color wheel and judges the vividness of the veggies... let alone the micrometer and the overly filled casserole dish.


haha   Oh Lord...I totally forgot about vegetable quality!

One of my favorite Marney-isms is the part about using a "regulation size" casserole dish.

"Regulation size" ??  

Who determines this?  The NBA?  The NFL?


I saw the Marney letter posted online at AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com and some of the comments posted by readers were hilarious...I nabbed this one...

Bear says:
October 16, 2011 at 4:54 am

Some day, Marney will be no more and her large extended family will be sitting at the Thanksgiving table with nothing to eat but a very large cheesy turnip and green bean casserole that was served cold because it was in a dish too large to fit in the oven and all they’ll have to serve it with is a soup ladle and everyone will have to take turns swigging out of a gallon jug of water and then they’ll wish Marney had been there to take charge.


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