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coebul

Daily Funnies

The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1.. This is this cat.
2.. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
V
V
V
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V
V
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V
V
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V
V
V
V
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V
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Now go back and read the third word in each sentence from the top down.
puc reducks

Cute.  We're all elders here and you rub our faces in it!  *grrr*   Very Happy

I did it in 4 seconds, not 40.  Do I get a prize???   Cool
puc reducks

It's not Friday.  Cut me some slack...  Cool


How the Internet Really Started:
A Revelation with an Incredibly Big Message (IBM)


In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

One day she said unto Abraham: "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said: "How, dear?"

Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP)

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted for insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.  ["Dominican"???]

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

And that is how it all began. Truly! (All this time you thought it was Al Gore.)
bieramar

"They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. ['Dominican'???]"

Obviously written by an historian of religions or theology.

"A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum...."

Make that a gay historian of religions or theology.
puc reducks

bieramar wrote:
"They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. ['Dominican'???]"

Obviously written by an historian of religions or theology.

"A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum...."

Make that a gay historian of religions or theology.


But Dominicans???
bieramar

The jealousies and condemnations between the major religious orders of the Roman Catholic "Orders" through the centuries resulted in stereotypes.  

Of the Benedictines, Carthusians, Franciscans, Carmelites, Cistercians, Jesuits, Dominicans, et al, it is the latter who are satirized as the redolent elitists, supping at the tables of kings and conquerors.
coebul

So Ok it's Tuesday

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions.  The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all  the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he  couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in   Afghanistan  ..  In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghani Muslim  soldier with a truly incredible arm.  He threw a hand-grenade straight  into a 15th-story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing  car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself.  "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football.  And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghani is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads.  "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world.  I'm here  among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us.  The neighborhood is a pile of rubble.  Your two brothers were  beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"  The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,


"I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!"
puc reducks

bieramar wrote:
The jealousies and condemnations between the major religious orders of the Roman Catholic "Orders" through the centuries resulted in stereotypes.  

Of the Benedictines, Carthusians, Franciscans, Carmelites, Cistercians, Jesuits, Dominicans, et al, it is the latter who are satirized as the redolent elitists, supping at the tables of kings and conquerors.


Well, blast their eyes, then!!!

~~~~

My questioning was to time-line for use of Dominicans and "ancient Israel."  Didn't think it rang true (I know it's a a joke, but everything else seem "right.").
bieramar

puc reducks wrote:
My questioning was to time-line for use of Dominicans and "ancient Israel." ?Didn't think it rang true (I know it's a a joke, but everything else seem "right.").


True - up until that sentence "Abraham" and "ancient Israel" fit the mental time-line of tents and trading etc.

But NEITHER "Sybarites" NOR "Dominicans" are in that era.  The ancient Israel of Abram, where/when he was renamed Abraham/Ibraham, was actually Canaan at the time - qnd a millenium before the 'Ellas (Hellas a/k/a Greece) city of Sybaris.  Then almost two more millenia until Dominic.
puc reducks

bieramar wrote:
puc reducks wrote:
My questioning was to time-line for use of Dominicans and "ancient Israel." ?Didn't think it rang true (I know it's a a joke, but everything else seem "right.").


True - up until that sentence "Abraham" and "ancient Israel" fit the mental time-line of tents and trading etc.

But NEITHER "Sybarites" NOR "Dominicans" are in that era.  The ancient Israel of Abram, where/when he was renamed Abraham/Ibraham, was actually Canaan at the time - qnd a millenium before the 'Ellas (Hellas a/k/a Greece) city of Sybaris.  Then almost two more millenia until Dominic.


Great!  I'm all comfy now!  Facts are in place!  I thought "Sybarites" might not be kosher either.  Thanks for confirming.   Very Happy
puc reducks

"Vegetarians are degenerate monkeys." -- Slovenian philosopher Slovaj Zizek.
scrutney

Quote:
"How many ball bearings, each one inch in diameter, can fit inside a 747 aircraft?" -- SAIC (SAI)

an international/british inch or an american inch?

Quote:
"You have three boxes. One contains only apples, one contains only oranges, and one contains both apples and oranges. The boxes have been incorrectly labeled so that no label accurately identifies the contents of any of the boxes. Opening just one box, and without looking inside, you take out one piece of fruit. By looking at the fruit, how can you immediately label all of the boxes correctly?"


with a sharpie marker.

Quote:
"Why do you think only a small percentage of the population makes over $125,000 a year?"


give it time.
in five years we'll all be making $125,000 a year...and eating weenie beanie and stale bread.


Quote:
"You are in charge of 20 people. Organize them to figure out how many bicycles were sold in your area last year."


no.

Quote:
"How many smartphones are there in New York City?"


the more important question is "how many are dumbed down by their exposure to new yorkers."

Quote:
"How would you market ping pong balls if ping pong itself became obsolete? List many ways, then pick one and go into detail."


cheap effective birth control.
use your imagination.


Quote:
"What is your fastball?"


the left one.

Quote:
"You have five bottles of pills. One bottle has 9 gram pills, the others have 10 gram pills. You have a scale that can be used only once. How can you find out which bottle contains the 9 gram pills?"


put all the pill bottles on the scale.
note the weight.
open one of the pill bottles, take one out and eat it.
wait to see if there are any interesting effects.
wait 5 minutes and repeat.
wait 5 minutes and repeat.
wait 5 minutes and repeat.
by this time you won't care.
screw the job interview and go get drunk.


Quote:
"How many bricks are there in Shanghai? Consider only residential buildings."


those aren't bricks, they're baked turds.

Quote:
"If you had 5,623 participants in a tournament, how many games would need to be played to determine the winner?"


one, if they're playing by my rules.

Quote:
"How do you weigh an elephant without using a scale?"


put him in a 747 with a bunch of one inch in diameter ball bearings.
weigh the plane.
subtract the ball bearings and the plane.


Quote:
"If you could be any superhero, which one would you be?"


antistupidquestionman.

Quote:
"Explain to me what has happened in this country during the last 10 years."


we were asleep.
now we're drugged....and weighing pills.


Quote:
"What is the philosophy of martial arts?"


there's an art to marriage?
jeez...17 freakin' years and you'd think someone woulda clued me in.
cripes...the shit you pick up in job interviews.

Quote:
"You have a bouquet of flowers. All but two are roses, all but two are daisies, and all but two are tulips. How many flowers do you have?"


not enough to get you laid if it's a day after your 17th anniversary.

Quote:
"How many balloons would fit in this room?"


11,693,486,781.
i don't blow them up.


Quote:
"Explain quantum electrodynamics in two minutes, starting now."


you betcha.
but first you must explain to me how professional wrestling isn't rigged.


Quote:
"Using a scale of 1 to 10, rate yourself on how weird you are."


you are truly a loathsome creature, aren't you?
i had a really high self image until i sat down to this job interview.
you've offered me pills, asked me about my testicles and ruined my marriage.
i'm calling this company's human resources department.
and then i'll have you killed.
asshole.
coebul

Damn I wish we could embed video on this site.

http://www.noob.us/humor/you-will-never-guess-what-this-ad-is-about/

Gots to watch it to the very end.
coebul

The Queen's Riddle

Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.

He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice presidential choice the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister.Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one"

He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer.

Finally, Biden ran into Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Sarah Palin answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama.

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Sarah Palin!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face,” No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

AND THAT IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON WITH OUR FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IN WASHINGTON, D.C.
puc reducks

coebul wrote:
Damn I wish we could embed video on this site.

http://www.noob.us/humor/you-will-never-guess-what-this-ad-is-about/

Gots to watch it to the very end.



At first I thought it was Bieramar, making house call.

Video is a LAFF RIOT!

Thanks, Coe!  A classic!
puc reducks

A couple days short of Friday, but nonetheless...
~~~~~

Don’t feel left out!! Your kids, nephews, nieces, and grandkids know how to “Text” – and you should too.

I thought the following listing was appropriate. After all, the kids have all their little codes for texting, like BFF, WTF, etc.

So here are some codes for seniors to get you started:

ATD - At the Doctor's

BFF - Best Friend's Funeral

BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

CUATSC - See You at the Senior Centre

DWI - Driving While Incontinent

FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers

FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

FYI - Found Your Insulin

GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

GHA - Got Heartburn Again

HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL - Living on Lipitor

OMMR - On My Massage Recliner

OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!

WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again

WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

Hope these help!

GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!
jasmine

Funny, but true

Microsoft and Ford

All of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."  

In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:  

"If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics :  

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash..........Twice a day.  

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.  

3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.  

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.  

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.  

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.  

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.  

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.  

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off. "


PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer  
service' in some foreign country and be instructed in broken English with a foreign accent how to fix your car yourself.
Phred

Jasmine ... I hadn't heard that one before, really good ... LOL
puc reducks

5 RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE


1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard’s name.

3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again

4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
jasmine

puc reducks wrote:
5 RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE


1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard’s name.

3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again

4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.


Spoken like a true cynic - a woman after my own heart.
coebul

I could add a few but they would piss off just about every woman that participates here...  So I will sit back and grin at the idea of posting them which I won't.
puc reducks

coebul wrote:
I could add a few but they would piss off just about every woman that participates here...  So I will sit back and grin at the idea of posting them which I won't.


GAH!!!  What??!  Have you gone all soft and gooshy now?  All sensitive an' stuff?

Hell, it's not like it'll be the FIRST TIME you've pissed us all off to some degree or another!

G'wan... ya know ya wanna.  G'wan, post a little!  We won't respect you in the morning, but, hey, we didn't anyhow!!!   Wink  Laughing  Wink
puc reducks

Jas,
A hoot!  Esp.

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.  
scrutney

a lady eases up to a man seated on a crowded bus and says;"excuse me sir, could you surrender your seat to a pregnant woman?"

the man graciously gives up his seat and after several minutes looks at the lady, who doesn't look at all 'in the family way.'

"just how long have you been pregnant?" he asks.

"about 15 minutes and boy am i pooped."
puc reducks

scrutney wrote:
a lady eases up to a man seated on a crowded bus and says;"excuse me sir, could you surrender your seat to a pregnant woman?"

the man graciously gives up his seat and after several minutes looks at the lady, who doesn't look at all 'in the family way.'

"just how long have you been pregnant?" he asks.

"about 15 minutes and boy am i pooped."



Tee-hee-hee.   Laughing
jasmine

coebul wrote:
I could add a few but they would piss off just about every woman that participates here...  So I will sit back and grin at the idea of posting them which I won't.


How can you piss me off a feminist nazi, VE VILL GET EVEN  Twisted Evil
puc reducks

Some knee-slappers here!  Enjoy!

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,  subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.


Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:  

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
auntmartymoo

Great stuff, Puc!

My fave:

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
jasmine

To give an idea of how bad the economy is, the NFL had to borrow the quarter for the coin toss from China. And they want it back.” – Conan O’Brien
jasmine

I know it's not Friday, but thought this was funny.  It's a Sunday funny



coebul

G can change the name to "FUNNIES".  Up you Yall...
jasmine

coebul wrote:
G can change the name to "FUNNIES".  Up you Yall...


I like that idea.  Up you yall?  What the h*** kind of English is that. Razz
puc reducks

Go, Guido, you dear possum, Go!   Smile
coebul

jasmine wrote:
coebul wrote:
G can change the name to "FUNNIES".  Up you Yall...


I like that idea.  Up you yall?  What the h*** kind of English is that. Razz
2012 modern drop words that aren't needed.   Give me a break!  Ya couldn't finger it out?


UP ta yall.
jasmine

coebul wrote:
jasmine wrote:
coebul wrote:
G can change the name to "FUNNIES".  Up you Yall...


I like that idea.  Up you yall?  What the h*** kind of English is that. Razz
2012 modern drop words that aren't needed.   Give me a break!  Ya couldn't finger it out?


UP ta yall.


I did figure it out, was just giving you a little bit of a hard time.
auntmartymoo

In Georgia,  it's spelled y'all
Wink     short for "you all"

But, whatever y'all want.
coebul

auntmartymoo wrote:
In Georgia,  it's spelled y'all
Wink     short for "you all"

But, whatever y'all want.
In Washington it is spelled "YALL".  PHFFFFFTT! (Snapping fingers under all your noses)
auntmartymoo

Are all y'all left coasters this sassy?
coebul

Only when a bunch a southern house wife correct our slang!  Snap!
auntmartymoo

There aren't any housewives in here.

You must be having an alzheimer's moment.  


Snap that, Mr. Sassypants!

Wink
coebul

Snap snap snap snap Snnnnnnnap!
scrutney

coebul wrote:
Only when a bunch a southern house wife correct our slang!  Snap!


what the hell is a bunch of southern housewife?
is that like a great big mess 'o grit?

and not to put to fine a point on it but auntmartymoo nailed it..
y'all is a legitimate contraction....you+all= y'all.
but it isn't slang.
like youse...or youns.(true mushmouth, northern slang, with only a nodding acquaintance to our mother tongue)

yall (on the other hand) well i'm not sure what it is...and unless you come from southern washington (which i'm pretty sure you don't) it doesn't matter anyway.

pushing back the frontiers of ignorance, one word at a time.

puc reducks

GRIT = Girls Raised In The South

Y'all possums can have some fun and take this quiz:

http://www.alphadictionary.com/articles/yankeetest.html

And the advanced version, for those so inclined:

http://www.alphadictionary.com/articles/yankeetest_advanced.html
bieramar

puc reducks wrote:
Y'all possums can have some fun and take this quiz:

http://www.alphadictionary.com/articles/yankeetest.html


My score:
"65% Dixie. Well under the Mason-Dixon Line"

I've lived 57% of my life well under the Mason-Dixon line, 38% north and west of it, and 5% outside the U.S.

Now onwards and upwards to the advanced yankee one: http://www.alphadictionary.com/articles/yankeetest_advanced.html

Now my score:
"46% Dixie. Barely in Yankeedom."

Maybe because some of the questions specified "growing up" pronunciations?  

I've always tried to imitate locals whereever I've lived.
puc reducks

Test #1: 20% Dixie. Wow! You are a [Duchess] of Yankeedom!

Test #2: 9% Dixie. Need help digging out of the snow?


Old regional speech-isms die hard!
scrutney

100% aw shucks, sack of rompin' stompin' dixie fried sex appeal.

i almost lost points for asking my virginia beach waitress (back in 1974):

"pardon me ma'am..what is this gelatinous mass of goo smeared on my plate"?

"them's grits, dollin'."

"say what?"

"okay...what."
Phred

Hmmm ... 61 on number one and 87 on number two ... interesting.
bieramar

Now I've got that damn song running through my mind - Look Away! Look Away! Look Away! Dixie Land!  Now I wish I was.... (is it too early to drink?).

Pre-Elvis (1916) by Civil War veterans: http://www.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DFDyF9n5pOqw
puc reducks

bieramar wrote:
Now I've got that damn song running through my mind - Look Away! Look Away! Look Away! Dixie Land!  Now I wish I was.... (is it too early to drink?).

Pre-Elvis (1916) by Civil War veterans: http://www.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DFDyF9n5pOqw


Possum!!!  You've got YouTube!!!  Get a new computer?

Never too early for a nice, civilized cocktail.   Cool
puc reducks

Wouldn't come full circle without "The Battle Hymn of the Republic," here by Joan Baez.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zUAoY1x7NMY
bieramar

puc reducks wrote:
Wouldn't come full circle without "The Battle Hymn of the Republic," here by Joan Baez.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zUAoY1x7NMY


I love both the spirited songs (but then I'm a straight line right down the middle on the Myers-Briggs!) -  you can really get into them and belt 'em out at a loud volume.  

No new computer, still the Original Classic WebTV, but I'm relatively clever with work-arounds.

Just heading out for Happy Hour at San Antonito - I resisted the morning cocktail.
puc reducks

bieramar wrote:
puc reducks wrote:
Wouldn't come full circle without "The Battle Hymn of the Republic," here by Joan Baez.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zUAoY1x7NMY


I love both the spirited songs (but then I'm a straight line right down the middle on the Myers-Briggs!) -  you can really get into them and belt 'em out at a loud volume.  

No new computer, still the Original Classic WebTV, but I'm relatively clever with work-arounds.

Just heading out for Happy Hour at San Antonito - I resisted the morning cocktail.


I would say MORE than "relatively" clever with work-arounds.  Likely due to your McGyver years!  Wink

Agreed!  Both "Dixie" and "The Battle Hymn" are stirring!  I've sung the former until out of breath and the latter after having memorized ALL verses!

What's-her-name (lovely lady who penned "The Hymn") did so after a dream and wrote it all in one short sitting. Inspiration.  Ken Burns tells the complete story in his "Civil War" series. Wish I could recount.
scrutney

julia ward howe.

and the documentary "ken burns, the civil war" is all that and world war too.
 
jasmine



WHAT HAPPENED TO FRIDAY FUNNIES, I AM SO CONFUSED
puc reducks

jasmine wrote:


WHAT HAPPENED TO FRIDAY FUNNIES, I AM SO CONFUSED


We're OT, possum!
puc reducks

scrutney wrote:
julia ward howe.

and the documentary "ken burns, the civil war" is all that and world war too.
 



Hey, Scrutney!

Yes.  I couldn't remember her name and had to make dins instead of Google.

Last time PBS did the Civil War doc by Burns, it did so one right after the other. What a story!  So happy to have seen it all at one time!  I think the CD set is in the $hundreds, possibly less.

Loved his "National Parks" epic, too.

~~~~

Knock knock...
jasmine

puc reducks wrote:
jasmine wrote:


WHAT HAPPENED TO FRIDAY FUNNIES, I AM SO CONFUSED


We're OT, possum!


HUH - WHAT IS OT, POSSUM:
scrutney

puc reducks wrote:
scrutney wrote:
julia ward howe.

and the documentary "ken burns, the civil war" is all that and world war too.
 



 So happy to have seen it all at one time!  I think the CD set is in the $hundreds, possibly less.

~~~~

Knock knock...



i picked it up at a half price dvd/bluray sale at barnes and noble..$45.
i also purchased a criterion collection bluray of "diabolique".

i haven't watched it yet but i'll let you know what i think.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

who's there?  
         
puc reducks

jasmine wrote:
puc reducks wrote:
jasmine wrote:


WHAT HAPPENED TO FRIDAY FUNNIES, I AM SO CONFUSED


We're OT, possum!


HUH - WHAT IS OT, POSSUM:


"Off Topic"!   Very Happy
puc reducks

scrutney wrote:
puc reducks wrote:
scrutney wrote:
julia ward howe.

and the documentary "ken burns, the civil war" is all that and world war too.
 



 So happy to have seen it all at one time!  I think the CD set is in the $hundreds, possibly less.

~~~~

Knock knock...



i picked it up at a half price dvd/bluray sale at barnes and noble..$45.
i also purchased a criterion collection bluray of "diabolique".
i haven't watched it yet but i'll let you know what i think.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

who's there?  
         


Althea.
bieramar

puc reducks wrote:
Althea


Enmidremes?
puc reducks

bieramar wrote:
puc reducks wrote:
Althea


Enmidremes?


Good one!  LOL!  But, no, not that punny!  

It's a groaner...


~~~~~

Althea later, alligator!
tsiya

Instructions On How To Help A Choking Liberal

jasmine

tsiya wrote:
Instructions On How To Help A Choking Liberal



Is that a pacifier?
scrutney

jasmine wrote:
tsiya wrote:
Instructions On How To Help A Choking Liberal



Is that a pacifier?  


for some people jazz, yes...for others, not so much.



jasmine

STILL LOOKS LIKE A PACIFIER
jasmine

Wednesday Funny - Happy Rump Day


jasmine

jasmine wrote:
Wednesday Funny - Happy Rump Day




Much better Coe
jasmine

I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes and I thought to myself,

“Wow dogs are easily entertained . . .  “

Then I realized; I just watched my dog chase its tail for ten minutes .  

Laughing
puc reducks

jasmine wrote:
I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes and I thought to myself,

“Wow dogs are easily entertained . . .  “

Then I realized; I just watched my dog chase its tail for ten minutes .  

Laughing


Very Happy Something enchanting about it though!  I mean, WHY DO THAT?  Not watch them, that's self-explanatory.  WHY chase their tails?  Because they have one?  Because they are joyful and easily amused?  Because they know WE get a kick out of it?  I love speculating on stuff like this:

Perhaps, 10,000 years ago, some wolf had a flea on his backside and just had to scratch/bite at it--and he appeared to be chasing his tail.  Our ancestors, who were growing our senses of humor around the fire, thought it was funny, so they tossed him an extra couple of pieces of offal.  A treat!  For his behavior.  They other wolves saw this exchange and figured, "What the heck?!  I can bite my own butt as well as ol' Alpha guy there!"  And thus it began...
jasmine

puc reducks wrote:
jasmine wrote:
I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes and I thought to myself,

“Wow dogs are easily entertained . . .  “

Then I realized; I just watched my dog chase its tail for ten minutes .  

Laughing


Very Happy Something enchanting about it though!  I mean, WHY DO THAT?  Not watch them, that's self-explanatory.  WHY chase their tails?  Because they have one?  Because they are joyful and easily amused?  Because they know WE get a kick out of it?  I love speculating on stuff like this:

Perhaps, 10,000 years ago, some wolf had a flea on his backside and just had to scratch/bite at it--and he appeared to be chasing his tail.  Our ancestors, who were growing our senses of humor around the fire, thought it was funny, so they tossed him an extra couple of pieces of offal.  A treat!  For his behavior.  They other wolves saw this exchange and figured, "What the heck?!  I can bite my own butt as well as ol' Alpha guy there!"  And thus it began...


WOW PUC, AND I THOUGHT I WAS A DEEP THINKER.  HAVE YOU ANALYZED WHY THE CHICKEN CROSSES THE STREET?
puc reducks

Uh, Jas, sorry to be the one to tell ya, but


CHICKENS CAN'T THINK!!!   Laughing
scrutney

Quote:
HAVE YOU ANALYZED WHY THE CHICKEN CROSSES THE STREET?


to prove to armadillos that it can be done?
tsiya

Actually chickens would surprise you. Not the bulk farm KFC type but the free range wildwoods Redneck variety.
I don't know a single one of them who voted for Obama! Very Happy
jasmine

tsiya wrote:
Actually chickens would surprise you. Not the bulk farm KFC type but the free range wildwoods Redneck variety.
I don't know a single one of them who voted for Obama! Very Happy


I did, so the chickens must be so much smarter than me.
jasmine

puc reducks wrote:
Uh, Jas, sorry to be the one to tell ya, but


CHICKENS CAN'T THINK!!!   Laughing




THIS IS A LITTLE QUOTE FROM NATURES CORNER:

The anatomical structure of the chicken brain is much more complex than most people think. Previous studies show that the organization of the neurons in the chicken brain is highly structured. This sophisticated arrangement of the brain implies that, like humans, a high level of intelligence has evolved--an intelligence that helps them survive.

bieramar

I've sure eaten a lot more chickens than I have dinosaurs.
tsiya

jasmine wrote:
tsiya wrote:
Actually chickens would surprise you. Not the bulk farm KFC type but the free range wildwoods Redneck variety.
I don't know a single one of them who voted for Obama! Very Happy


I did, so the chickens must be so much smarter than me.



Sure looks that way! Very Happy
jasmine

bieramar wrote:
I've sure eaten a lot more chickens than I have dinosaurs.


BUT NOW I DON'T KNOW IF I WANT TO EAT A CHICKEN ANYMORE.
puc reducks

jasmine wrote:
puc reducks wrote:
Uh, Jas, sorry to be the one to tell ya, but


CHICKENS CAN'T THINK!!!   Laughing




THIS IS A LITTLE QUOTE FROM NATURES CORNER:

The anatomical structure of the chicken brain is much more complex than most people think. Previous studies show that the organization of the neurons in the chicken brain is highly structured. This sophisticated arrangement of the brain implies that, like humans, a high level of intelligence has evolved--an intelligence that helps them survive.



Happy for the chickens! Of course they've evolved! Into Tea Party-ers.   Razz  
puc reducks

bieramar wrote:
I've sure eaten a lot more chickens than I have dinosaurs.



Wha'???  I wish to have chapter and verse cited here, s'il vous-plait!!!
puc reducks

scrutney wrote:
Quote:
HAVE YOU ANALYZED WHY THE CHICKEN CROSSES THE STREET?


to prove to armadillos that it can be done?



Ugh. Armadillos carry leprosy.  Can get it from the sand in which they have traveled. Very ugh, possums!
puc reducks

tsiya wrote:
Actually chickens would surprise you. Not the bulk farm KFC type but the free range wildwoods Redneck variety.
I don't know a single one of them who voted for Obama! Very Happy



CHICKENS CAN'T VOTE! NO THUMBS!

Remember those crazy like foxes chickens over on Pellicer Lane?  Generations of 'em!  They ALL crossed the street and whenever theY bloody hell they liked!  No chicken patties on Pellicer Lane.

Then that Yankee-boy moved and got the chooks proclaimed a public nuisance.  They were relocated en masse.

I miss them so terribly much, dear possums!  Crying or Very sad
bieramar

puc reducks wrote:
bieramar wrote:
I've sure eaten a lot more chickens than I have dinosaurs.



Wha'???  I wish to have chapter and verse cited here, s'il vous-plait!!!


I was playing with the idea of how - if chickens can't think - they've managed to survive as a species so long in so many parts of the world, whereas their ancestors the dinosaurs (dino-birds/feathered theropods) didn't make the cut.  

I should have written "I've sure eaten a lot of chickens but never ate a dinosaur" as my original statement avers that I have eaten a dinosaur (I guess I can't count gator tail?).
jasmine

bieramar wrote:
puc reducks wrote:
bieramar wrote:
I've sure eaten a lot more chickens than I have dinosaurs.



Wha'???  I wish to have chapter and verse cited here, s'il vous-plait!!!


I was playing with the idea of how - if chickens can't think - they've managed to survive as a species so long in so many parts of the world, whereas their ancestors the dinosaurs (dino-birds/feathered theropods) didn't make the cut.  

I should have written "I've sure eaten a lot of chickens but never ate a dinosaur" as my original statement avers that I have eaten a dinosaur (I guess I can't count gator tail?).


Chickens have outlived dinosaurs, survival of the fitess.   Laughing
puc reducks

jasmine wrote:
bieramar wrote:
puc reducks wrote:
bieramar wrote:
I've sure eaten a lot more chickens than I have dinosaurs.



Wha'???  I wish to have chapter and verse cited here, s'il vous-plait!!!


I was playing with the idea of how - if chickens can't think - they've managed to survive as a species so long in so many parts of the world, whereas their ancestors the dinosaurs (dino-birds/feathered theropods) didn't make the cut.  

I should have written "I've sure eaten a lot of chickens but never ate a dinosaur" as my original statement avers that I have eaten a dinosaur (I guess I can't count gator tail?).


Chickens have outlived dinosaurs, survival of the fitess.   Laughing


Actually, I think it was because there wasn't much call for dino hot wings!  Wink
tsiya

jasmine

[/url]
jasmine

tsiya

In Case You Missed It Dept.:


A University of Virginia professor told CBS that Chris Christie's weight would actually be a plus if he were to run for President in 2012. True. At least we know Mrs. Christie wouldn't likely try to become America's food nanny.  



The AP photographer who got pics of Michelle Obama shopping at Target said he was "tipped off." Come on, how could it have been staged? There were no teleprompters!  


Democrats want tax hikes to be the first item negotiated in "super committee" deficit-reduction talks. Good idea. "No." Next item?  


During an interview on ABC, President Obama said that Americans are not "better off than they were four years ago." Not true. We're much closer to the end of Obama's presidency now.  



President Obama defended the government loan to failed solar company Solyndra, saying, "people felt this was a good bet." Yeah, every bet looks good when you're gambling with somebody else's money.  



Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel has threatened to fire city employees who have unpaid parking tickets. He thinks people should pay what they owe the government? How did he ever get on Obama's staff?  



Eric Holder claims he "misunderstood" when he was asked when he knew about Fast and Furious. The question, or that he was under oath?  



A White House official said President Obama is planning another bus tour later this month to push for his jobs plan. Maybe his first stop should be Harry Reid's house, since he's the one stopping it right now.  



One of the Wall Street protesters said "I put my money in my bra," not a bank. Well, I suppose it'll get more interest that way.  


During a press conference Thursday afternoon, House minority leader Nancy Pelosi said of the "Occupy Wall Street" protesters, "God bless them." Is it too much to hope that it's because they all just sneezed?  



In Pennsylvania, metal thieves stole an entire 50-foot-long bridge. Maybe Obama just needed a new backdrop for his next jobs speech.  



At his press conference, President Obama told his media questioners to accept a "little homework assignment" and "go ask Republicans what their jobs plan is." Extra credit: then ask Obama why he won't pass it.  



 -- Fred Thompson


The Nobel Peace Prize committee in Oslo gave no clues Sunday as to the frontrunner for this year's peace prize. It will be announced on Saturday. President Obama is out of contention for the prize but if he kills one more al-Qaeda leader he gets a free car wash.    


Al-Qaeda leader Anwar al-Awlaki was killed by a CIA-fired drone missile on Friday in Yemen. He was born in the U.S. while his Yemeni parents were in the country temporarily. Republicans are joyful that President Obama's finally getting tough on illegal immigration.  



Michelle Obama smiled for photographers as she shopped at Target Thursday. The Secret Service had to secure the store before she arrived. They worked furiously to remove the ice cream and French fries from the snack bar that's always been out to get her.  


President Obama's former official Van Jones promised MSNBC Friday that he is going to organize liberal street protests to counter the Tea Party this fall. He predicted an American Fall that's just like the Arab Spring. If we fall any further we're going to hit China.  


The Nobel Peace Prize will be awarded Saturday with no chance of President Obama winning. Ever since they gave him the peace prize, he's been firing missiles at terrorists' heads. This year they want to give it to somebody with a history of mental illness who can't get a license to carry a gun.  


A Beijing restaurant put a cartoon caricature of President Obama on its logo Monday and called itself Obama Fried Chicken. China has no respect for trademarks. Giant cartoon signs with Barack Obama's face on it are the intellectual property of the Tea Party.  



Roseanne Barr urged Monday that all bankers worth one hundred million dollars be beheaded. Reaction was swift. The next day Bank of America struck back, warning Roseanne that the bank will charge each customer five dollars a head to cover the re-attachment.  


Citibank began charging customers who have a checking account balance less than six thousand dollars a fee of fifteen dollars a month Monday. Customers are in a real bind. If they have less than six thousand dollars in their account they get hit by banking fees and if they have more than six thousand dollars in their account Obama thinks they're rich.  


Occupy Wall Street protesters listed their demands on Tuesday. They want all debts forgiven, a living wage for all, free health care and open U.S. borders. Leftists think that money grows on trees but they won't let you touch it in case a spotted owl is living there.  


President Obama asked Congress to make it easier for debt collectors to call people on their cell phones to collect delinquent student loans. That's awful. How would he feel if China kept calling him in the middle of his backswing to ask why he hasn't paid them back?  


Hank Williams Jr. apologized for comparing President Obama to Adolf Hitler Sunday in a Fox News interview. It's all smoothed all over now. Within two days, the surviving members of the Hitler family appeared on German television and accepted Hank's apology.  


New York's Occupy Wall Street protesters argued among themselves Tuesday about whether they should sew their own sleeping bags with winter coming or engage in capitalism and buy them. Also, they argued over whether to beg for food or buy donuts. It took two hours in the real world to convert the entire movement to supply-side economics.  


President Obama faced editorial criticism Tuesday for ordering the drone missile killing of two al-Qaeda terrorists who'd been born in the U.S. People are alarmed that a president can fire a missile and kill an American citizen without even a trial. All week long comedians and Republicans would look up in the sky before they would say anything.  


Michelle Obama's trip to Africa was found to have cost half a million dollars in fuel alone. Her two daughters were listed as senior staffers. If you think that's bad, Bo the Portugese Water Dog got a six-hundred-million-dollar loan to provide hydroelectric power.  


House Republicans demanded a special prosecutor for Attorney General Eric Holder Tuesday. He testified he hadn't heard of the ATF's botched Mexican gunrunning sting when actually he'd been briefed a year earlier on it. Hank Williams Jr. just compared him to Nixon.  


Hank Williams Jr. was fired by ESPN for comparing Barack Obama to Hitler. Don't act surprised. Ron Paul tried to warn us last week that if you let a president make a phone call to order a U.S. citizen knocked off in Yemen, that one day country singers would be next.  



Occupy Wall Street protesters entered their third week of New York park sit-ins this week following a march down Broadway on Thursday. Interviews with the protesters make two things very crystal-clear. They don't know what they want and they want it now.  


The White House backed the Occupy Wall Street protesters Thursday in statements by Obama and Biden. Democrats are now banking on the threat of street riots to cower Republicans. It worked out so well for them in the late Sixties that Nixon was elected twice.  


Herman Cain told the Occupy Wall Street protesters in Battery Park Friday that they should blame themselves if they aren't rich. Not all of the demonstrators are opposed to capitalism. The pot dealers in the park slip away to the ATMs to make six deposits a day.  


Senate Democrats proposed a millionaire's surtax to pay for the jobs bill. It would go to teachers unions, construction unions and public workers unions. Before the GOP House agrees to pass that bill they will vote to honor Hank Williams Jr. as America's poet laureate.  


-- Argus Hamilton


Special Forces killed the editor of al-Qaida’s magazine. So your delivery may be a little late this month.  


The only things not going out of business in New York City right now are the "Going Out of Business" stores.  


The economy is so bad that we had to fire two writers, so this joke that I’m in the middle of right now has no punch line.  


-- Letterman


A 6th grade student from Springfield, New Jersey, who asked Gov. Chris Christie for campaign advice, wound up losing his election for student council. Worse still, he asked President Obama for economic advice and he now owes his school $14 trillion.  


Saudi Arabia has given women the right to vote, but there’s a catch. The only form of ID accepted at the polling station: Driver’s licenses.  


That terrorist Anwar al-Awlaki, who was killed last week, was American-born and was a top recruiter for al-Qaida. You don’t often see an American taking a foreigner’s job.  


In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items — like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.  


They say Chris Christie decided not to get into the presidential race because he has no shot at winning. That’s not stopping President Obama though.  


Ben Bernanke told a congressional committee that the economic recovery is close to faltering. On the bright side, most Americans won’t be affected because we had no idea there was a recovery.  


-- Leno


Actually, President Obama did take Michelle out to a lovely dinner on Saturday. It was a little awkward, though. When the bill came, Obama just put it on the tab of the Chinese couple sitting next to them.  


-- Jimmy Fallon


More than 700 protestors were arrested over the weekend for blocking traffic on the Brooklyn Bridge. They say the best way to fight corporate greed is to make random people sit in traffic while they’re trying to visit their aunt in Brooklyn.  


Sarah Palin will not run for president, which is good news for Palin-haters, but bad news for the moose population.  


-- Jimmy Kimmel


It’s the third week of the Wall Street protests and they’ve closed down an entire Manhattan street. And then, the cops asked Michael Moore to move.  


Happy anniversary to President Obama and the first lady. They had a nice private dinner to celebrate the 19th anniversary of the last time someone said “yes” to an Obama proposal.  


-- Craig Ferguson
bieramar

Best headline of the year so far - in today's papers:
--
'People with dementia less likely to go home'

By AMERICAN ACADEMY OF NEUROLOGY  
11/01/2011
--
jasmine

jasmine

jasmine

jasmine

jasmine

puc reducks

OK, nice pix.  But I keep waiting for the funny stuff.  Where is it???  Shocked
scrutney

puc reducks wrote:
OK, nice pix.  But I keep waiting for the funny stuff.  Where is it???  Shocked


oh come on puc...biden's an idiot.

as for obama?
i don't find him even slightly funny.
on that at least, we agree.
tsiya

When did they promote Biden? He still seems to be an imbecile.
tsiya

Elmo Shirt Guy Gets Busted.


http://smg.photobucket.com/albums...irtGuyCallsCopFat-AssMediaite.mp4


Another gem from my vast collection of pilfered media.

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