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Guido Sarducci

Holiday Funnies

I have done this before with limited success.  It would be nice if others would help with funny stories and images.  Both personal and off the web.

Da Management!
coebul

bieramar

I and some of my friends find the following true "holiday" anecdotes quite funny, although others find them a bit sad, and others think we're making-fun-of the subject instead of laughing with him.  

A St. Augustine self-made millionaire with a sixth-grade formal education, who proudly pronounces he's never read a book in his life, decided he'd like to explore the world a bit after he semi-retired at the age of 50.  

Luckily his band of St. Augustine business and partying friends include quite a few "players" who regularly spend time in South and Central America, the Dominican Republic, Cuba and the Caribbean, Ireland, "the continent" and Asia.

His first trip was to Costa Rica one November, when he was sorely disappointed because he couldn't find a Thanksgiving Day turkey dinner spread!

His second trip abroad with my friend was in July to Ireland, when on the 4th of July he couldn't understand why there weren't any fireworks!

Then one evening as we were sipping Boodles' martinis at the Gypsy Grille I pointed out to him that deleted name was a Menorcan.

Charlie looked at me quizzically and said "She doesn't even look Indian."
jasmine

Holidays for some are happy, some are sad.  I prefer funny.

bieramar

MINNEAPOLIS  The Borowitz Report – In what economists are hailing as a clear sign of economic recovery, Walmart customers across the USA jammed into stores on Black Friday, sometimes killing each other to buy useless shit.

"We have been looking for evidence that the economy is on the mend," said Davis Logsdon, chairman of the economics department at the University of Minnesota.  "When people resort to homicide to buy a Blu-ray player, that is very, very good news indeed."

Mr. Logsdon said he was "impressed" by the lengths to which some Walmart customers were going to grab coveted sale items: "They're using tactics we usually associate
with the UC-Davis police."

With many customers using pepper spray and other weapons to get a shopping advantage, however, Mr. Logsdon advised Americans not to enter a Walmart unarmed.

"If you want to get your hands on a doorbuster, you'd better have a firearm," he said.  "Fortunately, Walmart is offering several great doorbusters on firearms."

Walmart and other retailers' decision to commence their Black Friday sales a day early carries with it an added benefit for consumers, he noted: "Now, Americans will be able to declare bankruptcy one day earlier."

All in all, Dr. Logsdon said that the increased violence and mayhem at retail outlets across the country was "a testament to the greatness of the American consumer."

"Egyptians risk their lives for new government," he said.  "Americans bravely do the same for new flat screens."
scrutney

calvin's dad rocks.

coebul

Grinch!
scrutney

coebul wrote:
Grinch!


there's another calvin comic that i was going to post but i couldn't find it online...which is where i got the idea for this holiday shuck and jive:

about seven years ago, on the day after thanksgiving the kids were wonering aloud when dad would get off his butt and buy a tree.

"we're not buying a christmas tree this year." i said.

the reply came in unison "what?"

"look guys...news years day is the best time to get a tree...everyone has thrown theirs out and they are free for the taking...some even have tinsel and lights still on them."

"but what'll we put the presents under?"

"what presents?, this is an election year...kids don't get presents in an election year, not when there's a republican president in office... and santa's a democrat."

i think we got a tree the next day because, despite my sweet baby telling the kids that dad was "full of pudding" they wouldn't believe her until a tree was in the living room.

and by the way...pj o'rourke has some thoughts about santa's political afilliation:

God is a Republican and Santa Claus is a Democrat.

God is an elderly or, at any rate, middle-aged male, a stern fellow, patriarchal rather than paternal and a great believer in rules and regulations. He holds men strictly accountable for their actions. He has little apparent concern for the material well-being of the disadvantaged. He is politically connected, socially powerful and holds the mortgage on literally everything in the world. God is difficult. God is unsentimental. It is very hard to get into God's heavenly country club.

Santa Claus is another matter. He's cute. He's nonthreatening. He's always cheerful. And he loves animals. He may know who's been naughty and who's been nice, but he never does anything about it. He gives everyone everything they want without thought of a quid pro quo. He works hard for charities, and he's famously generous to the poor. Santa Claus is preferable to God in every way but one: There is no such thing as Santa Claus.
coebul

Rick Perry's New Christmas Card

bieramar

jasmine

Please excuse the F word, but I love this Christmas funny



auntmartymoo

Loved it, Jasmine!
jasmine

This could apply to short men also  Laughing



coebul



I know how "she" feels.
scrutney

this is worth a look

merry christmas, bum rejects.
auntmartymoo

That was so clever!  Thanks, Scrut.
jasmine

Gees Scrutney, where do you find these.  That was good
coebul

jasmine

This isn't funny, but didn't know where else to put it.  This is amazing.

As the story goes, the guy that owns this house lives north of Cincinnati , Ohio ..  Police were constantly being called for traffic jams and accidents in the neighborhood so they asked him to shut it down during certain hours.  Instead he started charging by car load to pay off duty police to be there..  The guy is supposedly a real computer GEEK.

http://www.flixxy.com/best-christmas-lights-display.htm
puc reducks

Which Country Is the Stingiest With Christmas Gifts? Who’s the Most Generous?
By Brad Tuttle | @bradrtuttle | December 19, 2011 |

To no surprise, the U.S.’s legendary consumer culture hits the roof during the holiday season, with average per-person spending on gifts among the highest levels in the world. Americans aren’t the biggest Christmas spenders, though.

That title belongs to Luxembourgers. The tiny European country, consisting of half a million people, less than 1,000 square miles, and a magic combination of high incomes and low tax rates for citizens, boasts average spending of nearly $800 per person for Christmas gifts, according to The Economist.

U.S. residents aren’t far behind—spending roughly $70 less per person than the folks in Luxembourg. A Consumer Reports poll holds that the average American shopper will spend $707 on gifts this year, up 4% from the 2010 holidays.

What’s noteworthy, though, is that Americans could still be considered the bigger spenders. The Economist’s chart plots average anticipated per-person Christmas spending versus GDP per person, and it’s clear that typical Luxembourgers are better off financially than their counterparts in the U.S.—where GDP rates per person are just over half of that in Luxembourg. The Irish, despite their recent economic struggles, are also among the most generous Christmas givers, coming in just behind the U.S. in average per-person holiday spending.

Who’s the stingiest? Without question, The Economist’s data gives the austere Dutch the title. In the Netherlands, GDP per person is slightly less than the U.S., and roughly on par with Ireland, Switzerland, and Britain—yet Dutch average per-person holiday spending sits at around $200. That’s at least one-third the level of holiday spending in the other countries mentioned.

Come to think of it, a couple hundred bucks would barely cover the costs of gifts the average American child expects to find under the tree. So, if your kid complains about his presents (or lack thereof) on Christmas morning, here’s a snappy reply: “Be happy with what you got—and that you’re not Dutch.”

Brad Tuttle is a reporter at TIME. Find him on Twitter at @bradrtuttle. You can also continue the discussion on TIME’s Facebook page and on Twitter at @TIME.


Merry Christmas, all you Bums! Very Happy
bieramar

"Dutch average per-person holiday spending sits at around $200."

"Be happy with what you got — and that you're not Dutch."

I spent $300 for gifts (plural if buds are counted as individual items; otherwise "gift") - with $150 of it a gift to myself.

Maybe my Dutch (Thyssen) paternal grandparents' genes?

And "Dutch" was slang for being tight with one's money, i.e. "cheap," as I grew up in Iowa amongst the descendants of both Dutch and Deutsch immigrants.

[scrutney - we're waiting].
puc reducks

Bieramar,
I am an equal opportunity offender.  Laughing

~~~~~

Scrutney???
jasmine

Merry Christmas, all you Bums! Very Happy [/quote]

BACK AT YOU PUC
scrutney

bier wrote:
[scrutney - we're waiting].


puc reducks wrote:
Bieramar,
I am an equal opportunity offender.  Laughing

~~~~~

Scrutney???


you guys really think i'm that easy?

that i read or hear the word dutch and i start salivating and hurling epithets at those squalid, noisome, netherlanders?

things are a little dull around here at this festive time of year, so let's just wind up old scrut...and he'll make some semi literate/literary allusion like like "any dutchman that goes about with merry christmas on his lips should be boiled in a giant dutch oven of choclate and buried with a tulip sprig in his heart"...or maybe dust off and retool some old racist joke like "you know why the dutch smell so bad?...so blind people can hate them too."

well i'm not falling for it.
auntmartymoo

scrutney wrote:

you guys really think i'm that easy?



Do you really want to give us that kind of opening?
jasmine

Bob, this is just for you.  I know how you love those yankees so much.

This is funny

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9dqjaTs780&feature=player_embedded
coebul

coebul

coebul

coebul

coebul

coebul


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