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auntmartymoo

Thanksgiving

Someone emailed me this funny thing last year.  Makes me thankful that Marney is not in my family!  Being a control-freak is a splendid way to ruin a holiday.  I don't know who to credit for this...its become viral via email forwards.  

From: Marney

As you all know a fabulous Thanksgiving Dinner does not make itself. I need to ask each of you to help by bringing something to complete the meal. I truly appreciate your offers to assist with the meal preparation.

Now, while I do have quite a sense of humor and joke around all the time, I COULD NOT BE MORE SERIOUS when I am providing you with your Thanksgiving instructions and orders. I am very particular, so please perform your task EXACTLY as I have requested and read your portion very carefully. If I ask you to bring your offering in a container that has a lid, bring your offering in a container WITH A LID, NOT ALUMINUM FOIL! If I ask you to bring a serving spoon for your dish, BRING A SERVING SPOON, NOT A SOUP SPOON! And please do not forget anything.

All food that is to be cooked should already be prepared, bring it hot and ready to serve, warm or room temp. These are your ONLY THREE options. Anything meant to be served cold should, of course, already be cold.

The Mike Byron Family

1. Turnips in a casserole with a lid and a serving spoon. Please do not fill the casserole all the way up to the top, it gets too messy. I know this may come as a bit of a surprise to you, but most of us hate turnips so don’t feel like you a have to feed an army.
2. Two half gallons of ice cream, one must be VANILLA, I don’t care what the other one is. No store brands please. I did see an ad this morning for Hagan Daz Peppermint Bark Ice Cream, yum!! (no pressure here, though).
3. Toppings for the ice cream.
4. A case of bottled water, NOT gallons, any brand is ok.

The Bob Byron Family

1. Green beans or asparagus (not both) in a casserole with a lid and a serving spoon. If you are making the green beans, please prepare FOUR pounds, if you are making asparagus please prepare FIVE pounds. It is up to you how you wish to prepare them, no soupy sauces, no cheese (you know how Mike is), a light sprinkling of toasted nuts, or pancetta, or some EVOO would be a nice way to jazz them up.
2. A case of beer of your choice (I have Coors Light and Corona) or a bottle of clos du bois chardonnay (you will have to let me know which you will bring prior to 11/22).

The Lisa Byron Chesterford Family

1. Lisa as a married woman you are now required to contribute at the adult level. You can bring an hors d’ouvres. A few helpful hints/suggestions. Keep it very light, and non-filling, NO COCKTAIL SAUCE, no beans of any kind. I think your best bet would be a platter of fresh veggies and dip. Not a huge platter mind you (i.e., not the plastic platter from the supermarket).

The Michelle Bobble Family

1. Stuffing in a casserole with a serving spoon. Please make the stuffing sans meat.
2. 2.5-3 qts. of mashed squash in a casserole with a lid and serving spoon
3. Proscuitto pin wheel – please stick to the recipe, no need to bring a plate.
4. A pie knife

The June Davis Family

1. 15 LBS of mashed potatoes in a casserole with a serving spoon. Please do not use the over-size blue serving dish you used last year. Because you are making such a large batch you can do one of two things: put half the mash in a regulation size casserole with lid and put the other half in a plastic container and we can just replenish with that or use two regulation size casserole dishes with lids. Only one serving spoon is needed.
2. A bottle of clos du bois chardonnay

The Amy Misto Family (why do I even bother she will never read this)

1. A pumpkin pie in a pie dish (please use my silver palate recipe) no knife needed.
2. An apple pie in a pie dish, you can use your own recipe, no knife needed.

Looking forward to the 28th!!

Marney
bieramar

And another classic I first received via snail mail before Al Gore invented the internet:

---
Turkey Popcorn Stuffing**

4 eggs
4 c bread cubes
2 c chopped celery
1/2 package of onion soup mix
1 c uncooked popcorn
seasonings of your choice

Beat the eggs well and add all of the other ingredients. 

Stuff it into the cavity of the turkey and place the turkey into a roasting pan. 

Bake at 375 for 3 hours. 
















When 3 hours are up, get the hell out of the kitchen because that stuffing is going to blow the turkey's ass right out of the oven.

** Don't try this at home!!

---
Unfortunately one of my Florida panhandle cousins missed the ** and I got this letter after Thanksgiving:

I am deeply offended by your tasteless recipe!

I tried it, and the turkey blew up early.

Counting on 3 hours I had the entire family in the kitchen gutting the deer I had hit with my bubba truck earlier in the morning.
After only 2 hours, bird shrapnel destroyed my kitchen, killed my cocker spaniel "Lucky" and crippled my cat.

My wife is in therapy and my children have become the laughing stock at St. Lukes Episcopal Reformatory School For Shameful Hooligans And White Trash.

You'll be hearing from my lawyer.

=========================

And on a more or less serious note, the Spanish language TV Channel Univision is airing a piece featuring St. Augustine - the FIRST Thanksgiving.

(Thank you, Monsignor Gannon).
auntmartymoo

That's hilarious!  (And your cousin's response is hilarious, too.)

"St. Lukes Episcopal Reformatory School For Shameful Hooligans And White Trash"

I think I know some St. Luke's alumnae.
puc reducks

Loved both!

My sister Ava would put Marney to shame--Marney has omitted so many significant details. (Trust me.)  No one dares to bring anything unsolicited or unapproved into Ava's kitchen.  In fact, admittance into her kitchen... touchy subject!

Still laughing!  Thanks, AMM and B!
auntmartymoo

Puc wrote:
Marney has omitted so many significant details. (Trust me.)


haha  I know...and Marney is clearly setting poor Lisa up for total failure...

Quote:
Lisa as a married woman you are now required to contribute at the adult level. You can bring an hors d’ouvres. A few helpful hints/suggestions. Keep it very light, and non-filling, NO COCKTAIL SAUCE, no beans of any kind. I think your best bet would be a platter of fresh veggies and dip. Not a huge platter mind you (i.e., not the plastic platter from the supermarket).


What if Lisa gets the wrong kind of veggies?  Or prepares and slices them incorrectly?  Or chooses the wrong flavor of dip?  Or mixes it with the wrong kind of spoon?  Or prepares the wrong amount of dip?   And then compounds the disaster by putting the dip in the wrong sized container?  And fills it up too close to the top?  What if it's the wrong color, too? And it doesn't have a lid, just foil?

Lisa is totally going to blow it.  Maybe you could have Ava call her and help her out!
puc reducks

auntmartymoo wrote:
Puc wrote:
Marney has omitted so many significant details. (Trust me.)


haha  I know...and Marney is clearly setting poor Lisa up for total failure...

Quote:
Lisa as a married woman you are now required to contribute at the adult level. You can bring an hors d’ouvres. A few helpful hints/suggestions. Keep it very light, and non-filling, NO COCKTAIL SAUCE, no beans of any kind. I think your best bet would be a platter of fresh veggies and dip. Not a huge platter mind you (i.e., not the plastic platter from the supermarket).


What if Lisa gets the wrong kind of veggies?  Or prepares and slices them incorrectly?  Or chooses the wrong flavor of dip?  Or mixes it with the wrong kind of spoon?  Or prepares the wrong amount of dip?   And then compounds the disaster by putting the dip in the wrong sized container?  And fills it up too close to the top?  What if it's the wrong color, too? And it doesn't have a lid, just foil?

Lisa is totally going to blow it.  Maybe you could have Ava call her and help her out!


OMG!!!  Almost peeing my pants!!!  Shocked

Ava would adore that "mission"!  Train 'em young, she'd say!

Always reminds me of Phil Hartman's "The Anal Retentive Chef" on SNL.  THAT was our father.  He'd actually insist that anyone working in his kitchen cut the onions and green peppers the EXACT SAME SIZE.  Ava,
of course, is carrying on his tradition... Love her dearly, but cannot cook/bake/be in kitchen with her!  LMAO!

Guess where we are headed for Thanksgiving?   Laughing

~~~
Yes, poor Lisa, above, is headed most likely for the state mental institution.  Marney will push her over the edge once she takes out the color wheel and judges the vividness of the veggies... let alone the micrometer and the overly filled casserole dish.

(Came back to get your Marney post to send to Ava, BTW!  Won't I be popular?   Laughing )
puc reducks

p.s
After having read Marney's directives, Ava wrote me:

"WTF??!  I'd just do it myself."

That's the baby sister for ya!  Laughing
scrutney

private email from the mike bryon family to the bob bryon family, the lisa bryon chesterford family, the michelle bobble family, the june davis family and the amy misto family:

tell marny to go stuff a turkey.
pizza, beer and football at our house on thursday.
we can all be thankful that we didn't have to spend the day with marny, barney, arney, cuthbert, ishmael and the long suffering casper.

toodles.

mike.

p.s....no anchovies.
auntmartymoo

Quote:
no cheese (you know how Mike is)
auntmartymoo

Puc wrote:
Yes, poor Lisa, above, is headed most likely for the state mental institution.  Marney will push her over the edge once she takes out the color wheel and judges the vividness of the veggies... let alone the micrometer and the overly filled casserole dish.


haha   Oh Lord...I totally forgot about vegetable quality!

One of my favorite Marney-isms is the part about using a "regulation size" casserole dish.

"Regulation size" ??  

Who determines this?  The NBA?  The NFL?


I saw the Marney letter posted online at AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com and some of the comments posted by readers were hilarious...I nabbed this one...

Bear says:
October 16, 2011 at 4:54 am

Some day, Marney will be no more and her large extended family will be sitting at the Thanksgiving table with nothing to eat but a very large cheesy turnip and green bean casserole that was served cold because it was in a dish too large to fit in the oven and all they’ll have to serve it with is a soup ladle and everyone will have to take turns swigging out of a gallon jug of water and then they’ll wish Marney had been there to take charge.
puc reducks

Hilarious, AMM!  Now I'd like to see if the source of "Marney's Way or The Highway" can be determined.  

~~~~~

Pizza is the most divisive food there is.

For example:  I WANT ANCHOVIES ON MINE!!!   Laughing
scrutney

thought i'd resurrect this thread instead of starting a new one.
it's been a strange year but i've got a lot to be thankful for, not the least of which are my family and friends.

my candidate for president lost but i didn't really like him anyway and honestly i don't feel all that badly about the way that things played out.

i pulled the plug on the cable box, and i'm thankful for that.

i polled the family on what delicacy we should feast upon for thanksgiving and the unanimous* choice (i didn't get a vote and there was a unanimous choice on that as well ) was:

meat loaf?
meat loaf. go figure.

happy thanksgiving bum rejects.

edited to add:
"where would willie mayes have been without jackie robinson..and where the hell would i have been, without you to lead the way?"...~dan bern.

good question...but being the youngest of the family, thank god i'll never have to ponder that question alone.

so here's a flip of the chapeau to the tuly important people in this world...family.

if god won't bless them...i will.


*coebul tells me that his family is a democracy as well...except that of the four of them...coe is the only one with four votes.
i don't believe him...i know mrs. coebul.
bieramar

I'm super thankful to be enjoying another Thanksgiving - I've found that paying attention to the moment-to-moment positives which comprise 99% of my and my friends' lives, places the 1% of the 'squeaky wheel' headlines of doom and destruction in proper perspective.

Our family (2 humans, 2 canines) Thanksgiving dinner today is a centerpiece of an overnight slow-cooked whole acorn squash, surrounded by a medley of olive oil-tossed, oven-roasted red bell peppers, red and white onions, orange yams, green broccoli stems and flowers, Brussels sprouts, turnips + faux butter, salt and pepper + combination Mexican corn/wheat tortillos and several varieties of Moroccan hummus.

Italian Cupcake prosecco dinner wine, and Nicaraguan Flor de Cana rum with Costa Rican expresso for dessert.
tsiya

That will give your dogs the shitz!
tsiya

WKRP "As God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly" Thanksgiving

http://youtu.be/lf3mgmEdfwg
bieramar

The First Thanksgiving - a preemptive post.

Translated excerpts from The Journey of Alvar Núñez Cabeza De Vaca
Date: 1542

Overview:
Cabeza de Vaca, who lived from about 1490 to around 1557, was the first European to explore North America and leave a written record. His reports that great wealth lay north of Mexico led the Spanish to explore Arizona and New Mexico.
Cabeza de Vaca was a member of a Spanish expedition that set out to colonize Florida in 1527. Under attack from Florida's Indians, Cabeza de Vaca and a number of other men sailed a makeshift barge westward, hoping to find a Spanish settlement in Mexico. Along the way, the men became the first Europeans to cross the mouth of the Mississippi River.
Cabeza de Vaca and eighty Spanish castaways landed on Galveston Island, along the Texas coast. For the next eight years, he and other survivors travelled overland, living with various Indian tribes, sometimes as slaves and at times as shamans (religious healers). Disease and conflict with Indians killed all but four of the travelers: Cabeza de Vaca, Alonso del Castillo, Andres Dorantes, and Dorantes's slave, the first African to set foot in what is now the United States, a Moroccan Moor [sub-Saharan black African Muslim] converted to Christianity named Estevanico.

[1527, after grounding on Galveston Island]: The day we arrived there was the sixth of the month of November. After the people had eaten I sent Lope de Oviedo, who was the strongest and heartiest of all, to go to some trees nearby and climb to the top of one, examine the surroundings and the country in which we were. He did so and found we were on an island, and that the ground was hollowed out, as if cattle had gone over it, from which it seemed to him that the land belonged to Christians, and so he told us. I sent him again to look and examine more closely if there were any worn trails, and not to go too far so as not to run into danger. He went, found a footpath, followed it for about one-half league, and saw several Indian huts which stood empty because the Indians had gone out into the field.
He took away a cooking pot, a little dag and a few ruffs and turned back, but as he seemed to delay I sent two other Christians to look for him and find out what had happened.
They met him nearby and saw that three Indians, with bows and arrows, were following and calling to him, while he did the same to them by signs. So he came to where we were, the Indians remaining behind, seated on the beach. Half an hour after a hundred Indian archers joined them, and our fright was such that, whether tall or little, it made them appear giants to us. They stood still close to the first ones, near where we were.
We could not defend ourselves, as there were scarcely three of us who could stand on their feet. The inspector and I stepped forward and called them. They came, and we tried to quiet them the best we could and save ourselves, giving them beads and bells. Each one of them gave me an arrow in token of friendship, and by signs they gave us to understand that on the following morning they would come back with food, as then they had none.
The next day, at sunrise, which was the hour the Indians had given us to understand, they came as promised and brought us plenty of fish and some roots which they eat that taste like nuts, some bigger, some smaller, most of which are taken out of the water with much trouble.
In the evening they returned and brought us more fish and some of the same roots, and they brought their women and children to look at us. They thought themselves very rich with the little bells and beads we gave them, and thereafter visited us daily with the same things as before. As we saw ourselves provided with fish, roots, water and the other things we had asked for, we concluded to embark again and continue our voyage.
We lifted the barge out of the sand into which it had sunk ( for which purpose we all had to take off our clothes) and had great work to set her afloat, as our condition was such that much lighter things would have given us trouble.
Then we embarked. Two crossbow shots from shore a wave swept over us, we all got wet, and being naked and the cold very great, the oars dropped out of our hands. The next wave overturned the barge. The inspector and two others clung to her to save themselves, but the contrary happened; they got underneath the barge and were drowned.
The shore being very rough, the sea took the others and thrust them, half dead, on the beach of the same island again, less the three that had perished underneath the barge.
The rest of us, as naked as we had been born, had lost everything, and while it was not worth much, to us it meant a great deal. It was in November, bitterly cold, and we in such a state that every bone could easily be counted, and we looked like death itself. Of myself I can say that since the month of May I had not tasted anything but toasted maize, and even sometimes had been obliged to eat it raw. Although the horses were killed during the time the barges were built, I never could eat of them, and not ten times did I taste fish. This I say in order to explain and that any one might guess how we were off. On top of all this, a north wind arose, so that we were nearer death than life. It pleased Our Lord that, searching for the remnants of our former fire, we found wood with which we built big fires and then with many tears begged Our Lord for mercy and forgiveness of our sins. Every one of us pitied not only himself, but all the others whom he saw in the same condition.
At sunset the Indians, thinking we had not left, came to bring us food, but when they saw us in such a different attire from before and so strange-looking, they were so frightened as to turn back. I went to call them, and in great fear they came. I then gave them to understand by signs how we had lost a barge and three of our men had been drowned, while before them there lay two of our men dead, with the others about to go the same way.
Upon seeing the disaster we had suffered, our misery and distress, the Indians sat down with us and all began to weep out of compassion for our misfortune, and for more than half an hour they wept so loud and so sincerely that it could be heard far away.
Verily, to see beings so devoid of reason, untutored, so like unto brutes, yet so deeply moved by pity for us, it increased my feelings and those of others in my company for our own misfortune.
Still, seeing there was no remedy and that in any other way death was surer and nearer, I ... begged the Indians to take us to their dwellings, at which they showed great pleasure, telling us to tarry yet a little, but that they would do what we wished. Soon thirty of them loaded themselves with firewood and went to their lodges, which were far away, while we stayed with the others until it was almost dark. Then they took hold of us and carried us along hurriedly to where they lived.
Against the cold, and lest on the way some one of us might faint or die, they had provided four or five big fires on the road, at each one of which they warmed us. As soon as they saw we had regained a little warmth and strength they would carry us to the next fire with such haste that our feet barely touched the ground.
So we got to their dwellings, where we saw they had built a hut for us with many fires in it. About one hour after our arrival began to dance and to make a great celebration (which lasted the whole night), although there was neither pleasure, feast nor sleep in it for us, since we expected to be sacrificed. In the morning they again gave us fish and roots, and treated us so well that we became reassured, losing somewhat our apprehension of being butchered.
Above translation source:
http://www.pbs.org/weta/thewest/resources/archives/one/cabeza.htm

BUT things changed:
In the following linked passage from his journal, Cabeza de Vaca describes his party's finally meeting up with a group of Spaniards in Mexico--who were in the process of enslaving Indians.

http://www.digitalhistory.uh.edu/...textbook.cfm?smtID=3&psid=524
scrutney

cabeza de vaca?
beef head?

bieramar

Actually "head of a cow" - a surname awarded to his peasant ancestor, raising him to the knighthood class, for his insurgent actions against the Muslims (Moors) who ruled the south half of the Spanish peninsula from 711 to 1492 CE (AD).  

After his attacks on the Moors his ancestor would leave a cow's head as a calling card.

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